“Your outlook on life is a direct reflection of how much you like yourself.”

“Your outlook on life is a direct reflection of how much you like yourself.”

 

I recently started going through what has been the most difficult situation I have ever had to bare in my life: 

 

I have gotten to know the darkest and most hidden places inside me, and pain so deep that I did not know we as a species were capable of feeling it.

It has been through this process and my will to endure, survive, and overcome that I have had to dig deep to find meaning and answers. 

I went through a long period of negativity in which I sunk into the deepest pit and was unable to find reasons to come out of my misery.

I became obsessed with the idea of having what I desired more than anything in the world, and nothing else in my life was worth living, or even good enough if I couldn’t share my life with the man I loved.

Little by little, I started finding joy in small things, little things. I smiled to every stranger I passed by, and created deep eye contact whenever I said “thank you” to someone. I began eating again (I pretty much had stopped).

I achieved this by accepting what was happening instead of desiring things to be different. I wanted to stop hurting and knew that the only way was to be fully present and to stop obsessing on outside things over which I had no full control.

It was only because I moved from my place, took a few steps to the side, and changed my perspective that I was able to understand what was happening and where it was all coming from. This understanding gave me peace.

Then, it wasn’t so much about the final process itself but more about what I can do now with what I have this instant.

I began a very intimate process of gratitude. I started thanking the universe for absolutely everything that was happening in my life and even went back to my earliest memories. I started acknowledging every small moment of joy that I was fortunate enough to savor.

When I stopped trying to ignore my deep feeling of emptiness and anxiety and started paying attention to why I felt it, it was only then that I was able to wake up in the morning without feeling what I called “the black hole.”

I realized that my body was trying to tell me something: relying on someone else for happiness, well-being and joy was wrong. These were all things that I needed to provide for myself. It became very clear once I put it into action; the emptiness started dissipating.

Through my great effort I got to a day when I could again breathe calmly and deeply without having that sense of suffocation that had paralyzed me for the last five months.

“Set peace of mind as your highest goal, and organize your life around it.” 

There was a time when I thought peace was a destination, in much the same way I imagined I’d eventually arrive at happiness or success.

It seemed like something I needed to chase or find—definitely not something I could experience without dramatically changing my life.

I needed to work less, relax more, and generally revamp my circumstances and relationships in order to be a peaceful person.

Despite seeing peace as an endpoint, I also saw it as something passive—after all, that’s why I was so stressed: I had so much to do.

I’ve since realized that peace is always available, and like any desirable state of mind, it requires effort, even if that effort entails consciously choosing to be still.

Sure, our circumstances affect our mental state, but they don’t have to control them, not if we make tiny choices for our well-being.

Admittedly, it’s not easy to choose peace when we’re going through tough times. I still go through periods when I get caught up in worries and stresses, and it can feel like that’s the only available response to things that have happened.

But it’s not. There are countless things we can do to create peace of mind—both in response to events in our lives, and proactively, everyday.

I thought I understood compassion. Having spent ten years of my life training to be a psychiatrist, I knew how to define it, describe it, and think about it. I thought I got it.

This experience taught me that compassion is more than being nice to someone for a few minutes or hours..

Among the many things I tried as part of the process, some worked. Here are the top six that have stood the test of time.

1. Listen.

Often while listening to someone, we are formulating replies in our mind, waiting for a lull in the conversation so we can interject. Try instead to Just listen Suspend all judgment and give the person your undivided attention.

There is powerful healing in sharing your darkest secrets and having another person truly hear it and still love you.

2. Respond to the emotion, not the actual words.

Angry words may conceal fear; guilt may hide behind blame. Whenever I tried to refute my brother’s literal words, he became more insistent. When I tried to understand and respond to the underlying emotion, he began to trust and open up.

3. Get your own support system.

I’m a firm believer that we can onlygive unconditional love when we can receive it too. Make sure to get out, do things with people you love, and continue to experience life. Replenish your soul.

4. Remember the whole person.

When someone is spiraling into a negative path, you could lose sight of all their positive qualities. Make it a point to remind yourself, at that moment, of a particular strength she/he has. May be it’s his loyalty, or humor, or patience. See the whole person.

5. Put yourself in that situation mentally.

Suffering is universal. Almost all of us have felt joy and pain. The particular details may be unique, but the themes are universal. So, remind yourself of a time when you went through something related.

Meditate on this and remind yourself of every single emotion and worry you had, and how much you longed for empathy and compassion from a fellow traveler. Do this often, so that it becomes second nature.

I once read a true story reported in a Reader’s Digest column. A father and his three children got on a bus in central London. The father was lost in his own thoughts, and the kids, being unsupervised, were loud and disruptive to the other passengers.

Finally, a lady in a nearby seat leaned over to the father and said, “You really need to parent your children better. They are so unruly.” The father, shaken from his reverie, says, “I’m so sorry. Their mother, my wife, just died and we are returning from her funeral. I think we are all a little overwhelmed. I apologize.”

We are often unaware of the pain another person carries inside. So when someone does something that rubs you the wrong way, take a moment and think of this story.

6. You will fail sometimes, so forgive yourself.

Have compassion for yourself too. No one is perfect. Give yourself a break  if you come up short sometimes. Remember you are just as human as anyone else. As long as your intentions and efforts are in the right direction most times, it will work out in the end.

Because of this experience, my compassion now flows more from the heart and not just from the mind. I feel the difference, and I hope my patients can too.

What’s the role compassion has played in your life? Please share so we may learn from each other.

..Accept Yourself as You Are, Even When Others Don’t..

This comment and others like it have plagued me almost all my life. I don’t know how many times I’ve been told that I needed to come out of my shell, to be livelier, or to talk more.

As a child and teenager, I allowed these remarks to hurt me deeply. I was already shy, but I became even more self-conscious as I was constantly aware of people waiting for me to speak.

This would make me just want to crawl back into my shell and hide. I became more and more reserved.

The older I got, the angrier I became. Each time someone told me I was “too quiet,” I wondered what exactly they were hoping to achieve anyway. 

If only it were that simple, I thought. I felt I should be accepted as I was, but apparently that wasn’t going to happen. There was only one thing for it; I would have to become the extrovert the world wanted me to be, but how?

When I was a bit drunk, everyone seemed to like me. I was fun and outgoing; able to talk to anyone with no problems at all. However, it began to depress me that I needed a drink to do this or for anyone to like me.

Although I didn’t drunk it consciously, wherever I went I would make friends with someone much louder than me. Then I’d become their little sidekick, going everywhere with them, trying to fit in with all their friends, and even adopting aspects of their personality......Sometimes I just tried faking it...!!

..When I was 24, I began Temporaly teaching Business Marketing and a month into my first contract, I was told my students found me difficult to talk to. I was upset because I thought I had made an effort to be friendly and I didn’t understand what else I could do.

After crying all night because once again I wasn’t good enough, I went into work the next day determined to be really lively and talkative. Of course, it didn’t work because everyone could see I was being false.

It seemed that I was doomed. I would never be accepted. Being a naturally loud person was the only way to be liked.

Or maybe not.

.

Over the years, I’ve spoken to several talkative, extroverted people who’ve been told they’re too loud or that they talk too much. It seems whatever personality you’ve got you’re always going to be “too much” of something for someone..

...You Are Good Enough and You Deserve the Best...

We sometimes make excuses as to why we don’t deserve the best.

We say that our relationship with our partner is good enough and that other people have much worse relationships. We don’t reach for our dreams because doing so would make us feel too selfish.

Isn’t it time you stopped letting fear run your life? That you stopped making excuses for why things aren’t better in your life?

Fear is an ugly word. It keeps us from true happiness because it prevents us from taking risks. We avoid anything slightly painful, even though staying in the current situation hurts more.

When I was younger I was afraid of being myself. I constantly wanted to conform to others in order to be liked and appreciated.

 I just wanted to be liked for myself, but I wasn’t letting people see that person.

I’ve learned that if you show the real you, not everyone will like you, and that’s okay. The people who are worth your time will appreciate you for who you are. And you will have deeper, more meaningful relationships as a result.

I was afraid to think for myself, was not confident in my decisions, and let others decide what I should be doing according to their beliefs. I felt like a toy boat being tossed about in the ocean, and it was exhausting.

In high school we aren’t taught what healthy relationships look like and what is and isn’t acceptable. 

  

 We make excuses for other people’s behavior, even though it is hurtful to us. We hope that they will change and think that perhaps we can mold them into better people.

In my first relationship I changed completely for the guy. I desperately wanted someone to love me, so I went from a suburban girl to a sexy girl—complete with the High-heel shoes and belt buckle. But inside I felt empty because I was playing a role.

Deep down, I was afraid of being rejected. I didn’t think I was worthy of being loved, just as I was.

After that, I got into an abusive relationship. I reasoned that he would change into the person he used to be—that maybe I could help him be a better person. Nothing changed. Things just got worse.

I let him have control over me, and ultimately I became depressed and fearful.

Love isn’t supposed to be fearful. Love means accepting a person, flaws and all. But it’s also about mutual respect for each other. It’s about fully appreciating a person without trying to change them. It’s about free will.

I finished college with the help from my family and am now obtaining my Bachelor's degree.

Many people asked if I was quitting college. They doubted that I could do it. But I had faith in myself. For the first time I felt confident, whether everyone liked me or not.

As I grew into a stronger woman, I realized that who I am is wonderful, and that no one was going to convince me otherwise or try to change me. I also decided to stop hoping I could change other people.

 

I took things one day at a time, because looking at the big picture was too daunting and overwhelming. I knew that one day I would meet someone who loved me for me and that I would love them for them—when the time was right.

The present moment is all we have, and we deserve to enjoy it.

Worrying is exhausting. It drains you mentally and physically. And in the end, nothing gets accomplished except worrying.

So why do we do it? Because we feel that if we are worrying, we are taking a positive action. We feel as if doing so can change the situation, when in reality it cannot.

At that point I realized how ridiculous it was. So what if she was judging me? Why should I let someone else get me that frazzled?

I realize now that I can only open up to all the good I deserve in life if I stop obsessing about what people think of me and fully realize that, just as I am, I am good enough.

We are all good enough, and we all deserve the best. We just have to believe it...

“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” 

..The holiday season generally brings us closer to people. Sometimes that closeness reminds us how much we love each other. Sometimes it reminds us that we drive each other crazy, as family often does.

At the heart of it, Thanksgiving in particular calls us to see people with the deepest appreciation for the gifts they’ve given us. Some gifts are more immediately obvious than others—the type that come with praise, affection, and genuine esteem.

Others push us, stretch us, test us, and make us wonder if there’s anything to be grateful for at all.

There’s no denying certain relationships are more challenging than others, but through each we have an opportunity to grow and help others do the same. Every relationship teaches us something about loving, trusting, forgiving, setting boundaries, taking care of ourselves, and taking care of each other.

From the people who love you, to the people who challenge you, to the people who support you at work, here’s how to show your gratitude:

Show Gratitude to People Who Love You..

1. Share a specific example of something they did for you and how it made a difference in your life.

2. Do something little but thoughtful for them—like clean up after Thanksgiving dinner!

3. Give a long, intimate hug; or if you know they don’t like hugs, stick out your hand for a handshake to cater to their preferences and make them smile.

4. Tell them you’re there if they have anything they want to talk about—and let them know they have your full attention.

5. Give them something of yours that you think they would enjoy, and let them know specifically why you want them to have it.

6. Invite them to do something you know they’ve always wanted to do.

7. Encourage them to try something you know they want to try, but haven’t yet because they’re scared.

8. Offer to do something you know they don’t enjoy doing, like organizing their closet or mowing their lawn.

9. Compliment them on a talent, skill, or strength that you admire.

10. Look them straight in the eyes and say, “You make the world a better place.”

Show Gratitude to People Who Challenge You

11. Fully listen to what they have to say, instead of forming your rebuttal in your head and waiting to speak.

12. Thank them for introducing you to a new way to look at things, even if you still don’t agree.

13. Pinpoint something you admire about their commitment to their beliefs—even if you don’t hold them, as well.

14. Resist the urge to tell them they’re wrong.

15. Challenge them right back to be the best they can be, with love and positive intentions.

16. If they inspired you to push outside your comfort zone, thank them for inspiring you to take a risk, and let them know how it paid off.

17. Write a blog post about how they helped you see things differently and dedicate it to them.

18. Use the lesson this person teaches you through your interactions, whether it’s patience, compassion, or courage.

19. Introduce them to someone who may challenge them and help them grow, as they’ve done for you.

20. Let them know how you appreciate when they challenge you in a loving, non-confrontational way—and if they don’t do that, be calm and kind when you ask them to do that going forward.

Show Gratitude to People Who Serve You

21. Give a larger tip than usual.

22. If they have a tip jar, include a thoughtful note of appreciation along with your coins or bills.

23. Smile when you order or enlist their assistance. Smiles are contagious, so give one away!

24. If they serve you regularly, acknowledge something they always do well—like work efficiently or stay calm under pressure.

25. Exhibit patience, even if you’re in a hurry.

26. Let their superior know they do an outstanding job.

27. Keep their workplace clean—for example, at a coffee shop, clean up after yourself at the sugar stand.

28. Offer to get a coffee for them, if it’s someone working in or outside your home.

29. If you have their contact information, send an email of appreciation—and let them know you just wanted to express your gratitude, so they don’t need to write back.

30. Praise them in a review on Yelp and/or recommend them to people you know.

....Show Gratitude to People Who Work with You..

31. Write a hand-written thank you note, acknowledging things you value about them and their work.

32. Offer to lighten their workload in some way if you are able.

33. Bring back lunch for them if you know they’re working hard and likely haven’t had a chance to grab something.

34. If you’re running a meeting, keep it short to show them you appreciate and respect their time.

 

35. Ask them about their lives instead of always being all business. This doesn’t mean you need to pry into personal matters; it just means showing an interest in who they are as people.

36. Be the calm, light voice in a stressful situation.

37. Give them flowers to brighten their desk.

38. Let their boss know how they’re doing a great job and contributing to the company.

39. Listen fully if they’re having a difficult day, and recognize if they need space to figure things out on their own, not advice or help.

40. Remember the little things can make a big difference!

..Show Gratitude for Yourself..

41. Make a list of ways you’ve impressed yourself lately.

42. Treat yourself to something you enjoy, like a pedicure or a massage.

43. If someone compliments you, thank them and let them know you’re proud of that skill, talent, or accomplishment.

44. Compliment yourself—say it while looking in the mirror, write it in a journal, or jot it on a sticky note and put it on your refrigerator.

45. Give yourself time to enjoy a passion you’re sometimes too busy to fit in.

46. Take an inventory of all the good things you’ve done for other people and the world.

47. Write yourself a love letter. Seriously, start with “Dear ........” (but insert your own name) and describe all the things you admire about yourself.

48. Let go of any conditions you have for being kind to yourself—meaning you appreciate even if you didn’t accomplish or do anything specific.

49. Schedule a date with yourself—an afternoon or evening that’s all about you.

50. Share the beauty that is you with the people around you, knowing they’re fortunate to have you in their lives.

“In separateness lies the world’s great misery, in compassion lies the world’s true strength.” 

When people asked why I write fiction, I used to say, “Because I enjoy writing and revising sentences” or “Because I like practicing an art I’ll never perfect” or “Because I love to read.” All those reasons remain true, but my answer has changed.

The most important reason I write stories, and read them, is to practice empathy.

Strange how we often feel empathy more easily for fictional characters than for real people. One reason is that sometimes we get to know fictional characters more deeply than our family members and friends.

Too often in real life we keep aspects of our true selves hidden and miss an important opportunity to connect with other human beings.

How many times has this happened to you? You run into a friend, sometimes a close friend, who says, “How are you doing?” and you say, “Good! How are you?”

and the friend says, “Good!” Meanwhile, you’re not doing well at all, and later you discover that your friend hadn’t been doing well.

Recently, I tried something different. When a friend asked how I was, I told him the truth—that I’d had a difficult week.

He said, “I’m sorry to hear that. I know a few other people who had a rough week.” He waited to see if I wanted to share more, but didn’t prod. Then he said, “Hey, I hope you have a better week next week.” I could tell that he meant it, and that made me feel a little better, a little less alone.

I’m not suggesting that we all become confessional and reveal our secret struggles, fears, and pains with everyone we meet. But I am suggesting that you don’t have to feel alone. When you take a chance and share a hidden part of yourself with someone, it’s amazing how often people respond with, “Me too.”

Here is the most important thing to remember: Whatever you’re feeling, someone else has felt it. Whatever you’re going through, someone else has gone through it. You may feel alone, especially if what you’re experiencing is very frightening or painful, but you should assume that you are not alone.

I was having dinner with a close friend the other night, sharing about a difficult time in my life, the most difficult, when I had hurt someone I love very much.

It’s a time of my life about which I have deep regret, even though I have done everything I can to make amends. I said to my friend, “The hard thing is that people used to see me a certain way, but now they see me another way.”

I didn’t know what she was talking about, but then she explained. What she meant was that we all carry around private pain and regret and fear—the things about ourselves we’re most afraid to let others know.

She  pretended to pull a card from her pocket and present it to me. “We all carry around cards,” She said...

So I pose the question now: What is written on the card in your pocket?

Does it say that you were abused, or that you are depressed, or that you have an addiction, or that you were unfaithful to your spouse, or that you’ve always been afraid that you’re not good enough?

A useful exercise is to write what your card would say, then ask yourself: Do I believe that I’m the only person in the world carrying around a card that says this? What would I say to someone right now who handed me a card that says exactly what my card says? Would I judge that person, or would I embrace that person, take out my own card, and say, “Me too”?

Please know that whatever your card says, someone else is carrying around the same card. It’s likely that many people are carrying around the same card, but most of the time we don’t know it. Every person you see today, everyone you interact with, has a card in his or her pocket, and it weighs much more than any piece of paper.

This is especially useful to keep in mind when someone mistreats you—when a driver cuts you off then makes a crude gesture, when a co-worker talks down to you, when someone you love is unkind.

By no means should we stand for unkindness or abuse, but once we’re removed from the situation, it can help to remember that all people carry around cards of suffering, even if we may not know what their cards say.

It can be easy to judge or pity others when they reveal their cards. Judgment and pity, because they fail to recognize what connects us, are barriers to true empathy—the ability to understand and even share the feelings of others.

It’s important to remember: Whatever someone else is going through, or has gone through, someday you may too. Anything can happen to anyone at any time.

One reason twelve-step programs can be so effective is that they are built on empathy. There is no judgment, and there are meant to be no secrets or shame. Strangers walk into a room and lay the same cards on the table.

"Pain", something all human beings have in common, becomes the most beautiful thing about us.

Imagine a world in which we know each other’s pain and fear. Imagine that they are the most beautiful things about us. Imagine that the very things we’re most ashamed of, that we most want to keep hidden, might bring us together...